Blizzard Sued by Prison Inmate for Ruining Life (More than it Already Was)

You’d think that prison inmates would warmly welcome ways to pass time behind bars that didn’t involve shoveling escape routes with spoons or lifting weights. It’s hard to believe, but I guess even porn and prison tattoos lose their appeal after a while, and eventually inmates turn to other means of entertainment. Strangely enough, however, one inmate is holding a grudge like nobody’s business against the world’s greatest time killer: World of Warcraft. I’d reckon that being an orc would probably be better than being your cellmate’s “bitch,” but maybe I’m mistaken.

Jonathan Lee Riches recently filed a third-party motion in the Blizzard vs. MDY Industries suit, which you might remember from earlier this year. Why, you ask? This poor, poor man, imprisoned for being guilty of wire fraud, has become a hapless victim of the world’s most popular MMORPG. Let’s all read this claim verbatim, shall we?

“…[World of Warcraft] caused Riches’ mind to live in a virtual universe, where Riches explored the landscape committing identity theft and fighting cybermonster rival hacker gangs. Riches was addicted to video games and lost touch with reality because of defendants. This caused Riches to commit fraud to buy defendant’s video games. Riches chose World of WarCraft over working a legit job. Riches’ mind became a living video game.”

Ooo, “cybermonsters.”

Clearly, it is Blizzard’s fault that Riches has an addictive personality and is highly self-destructive. Mean old nasty Blizzard! Shame on you for taking advantage of this poor, innocent fraudster like that!

It seems that Riches’ most beloved pastime—more than fraud, or WoW, or losing jobs, if you can imagine—is actually suing. In the past, he has sued Rockstar Games, National Public Radio, Steve Jobs, Britney Spears, Barry Bonds, George Bush, Michael Vick, Che Guevara, “various Buddhist monks,” Plato, and my personal favorite, the Eiffel frickin’ Tower. That’s not the complete list, mind you. If we were speaking about it in WoW terms, I’d say he’s gotten to about a Level 50 in this skill. If he were actually able to win a suit, he’d totally be pwning.

Perhaps Riches needs to be locked up in an asylum rather than a prison. If he can’t see that playing WoW is better than playing “Don’t Drop the Soap” or “Who’s Your Daddy,” then he’s obviously insane. Sir, at the very least, please leave Blizzard alone and go sue another inanimate object already.