A Zombie Apocalypse PSA: How Games Will Save Your Brains

There is a pressing issue in our world today that has failed to gain the attention it deserves. We are on the brink of total annihilation, and the presidential candidates haven’t even touched upon this serious issue. Thus, as an American citizen, I see it as my duty to inform you of our real threat to homeland security. No, not terrorists. Zombies.

It’s only a matter of time before the dead walk among us, ending civilization as we know it—unless we’re prepared. In The Zombie Survival Guide, Max Brooks describes ways to protect yourself from zombies lusting after your tasty brain-meats. Although the guide is thorough, the written word alone isn’t nearly enough to save you. Information is all well and good, but there’s no substitute for experience. The real hope for humanity lies not in books, but in video games.

If you are reading this right now, then you’re on the right track, but after you finish, go out and arm yourself with game cartridges—and maybe a few gun cartridges while you’re at it. These are your best defense. Similar to how the America’s Army game simulates actual combat as an educational tool for prospective soldiers, zombie games are excellent training grounds for the day that you will have to fend for the preservation of the human race.

The Resident Evil series best tackles the issue of a zombie infestation’s possible origins, while simultaneously teaching ladies how to fight zombies while wearing mini-skirts. House of the Dead’s first-person shooter format brings us one of the most realistic depictions of zombie-bashing, and serves as great target practice with a variety of different firearms. (WARNING: Do not, under any circumstances, watch the movie for techniques; you’ll probably end up bashing your head against a wall repeatedly, resulting in possible brain exposure. Which is never conducive to surviving zombie attacks.)

Another crucial part of training is to expect the unexpected, and games can certainly teach us this lesson too. In Zombies Ate My Neighbors, we learn unconventional yet effective trampoline maneuvers in suburban environments, showing us how to be creative under pressure–although squirt guns probably won’t be as effective. Moreover, the classic Zombie Nation instructs us about how to react in the off chance that a giant disembodied zombie head flies through your city.

One of the best ways to fight the enemy is to first become one with them. Stubbs the Zombie allows you to do exactly that. Playing as the zombie, you can get inside his head and better understand his motivations–allowing you to better work around them. Alternately, if you do, in fact, become a zombie, there is hope for you yet: Metal Slug 3 Blood Vomit Attack will ward off (and gross out) anyone in your near proximity, allowing you to “fight back,” even in your undead state.

The end is nigh, and the only thing we can do is be ready for it. These games are not only entertaining, but could save your life (unless it’s an alien invasion; if that’s the case, be sure to prepare with this). Like a boy scout, you always have to be prepared. After all, only YOU can prevent a zombie apocalypse.