A Day in the Life of a 12-Year-Old Gamer

That’s it! I’ve had it! I’m done!

Those roving bands of cocky 12-year-olds plaguing XBox Live have pushed me too far. It’s time to fight back! Since the Internet has taught me that revenge is a dish best served passive aggressive, I found one of those little shit’s Twitter accounts and pasted the contents below.

Gaze into the abyss, if you dare. But stare not too long, lest it transform you into the enemy. (Among other things, this means you’ll get a violent God complex and a voice that sounds like Chris Tucker singing falsetto while freebasing helium.)

7:28 a.m — Mom woke me up for school before my alarm went off again! I told that stupid bitch i need my rest and that her face was stupid

7:30 a.m. — shouted down the hall to ask mom if she could make me breakfast

7:36 a.m. — my gay step-dad Roy kept asking if i wanted to go on a gay hunting trip becuz he wanted to bond or something gay like that. i asked him if he knew how gay he sounded and he sighed and changed the subject. (he does that a lot because my conversation skills pwn!!1)
then he asked if maybe he could play video games with me after school because that’s all i seem to want to do. so, i asked him if he wanted to play a game of butt darts after school, because that’s all he seems to want to do.

7:40 a.m. — laughed at my sick burn until milk came out my nose and then i got pissed and threw my third bowl of cap’n crunch against the wall and screamed at my mom until the bus came. heard mom ask Roy where the Valium wuz on my way out the door.

8:30 a.m — sat by my friend Steve in homeroom. he smells like an old hot dog that got rolled around in an ashtray, and every time he talks his noes makes snot bubbles, but he let’s me copy his homework cuz i’m his best friend.
besides, i’m too busy racking up the headshots to learn about fractions and a bunch of fairies in powdered wigs who wrote some gay document about how all men are endowed with certain unalienable rights.
(i heard the gym teacher call some kid a fairy once, so i know it’s an insult, but i don’t get why. i mean who wouldn’t want to fly and wear a dress? be super awesome?)

11:30 a.m. — punched a kid at lunch because he asked why i always look angry

2:00 p.m. — math test. put down “my nutz” for every answer. wrote steve’s name at the top and handed it in.

3:15 p.m. — teacher told me i had to go to detention for hitting that kid. told her i would, but i first i need to “take a big ol’ crap.” she wrinkled her face and said that was inappropriate and i said that word pretty much summed up my academic career thus far.

3:19 p.m. — snuck out the bathroom window and walked home

3:57 p.m — got home. dog was scratching at the back door and whining. didn’t know what he wanted, so i turned on my XBox.

4:01 p.m. — logged on to cod4 and checked friends list

4:02 p.m. — finished checkin friends list

4:15 p.m. — quit the first game i was playing becuz my team all sucked. (They kept taking all my kills, so they had like 20 points each and i didn’t have anything!) i made sure they all knew their moms were fat and dumb and liked to screw lots of guys before I turned the game off.

4:42 p.m.– started playing halo 3. some1 called me homophobic, which makes no sense!!1 i mean i wuz talking about how hot Zoey from l4d would be if she was nood and u could see her boobz and stuff. i told the guy i wasn’t gay and called him a fagwaffle butt-junkie for good measure. he stopped talking to me, so i guess that means i won the arguement.

5:12 p.m. — someone on my team kept bitching that i wouldn’t shut up and asked if someone would please tell him how to mute headsets. joke was on him though, becuase everyone else on the team had played with me before, so they’d already changed their headset setting to mute all and couldnt’ hear him. I told him he was dumb and kept jumping in his line of fire until he got kicked for team killing.

5:37 p.m. — some1 shot me when i took their flag, but it shouldn’t have counted becuz they were guarding it and that’s cheating. after the game ended (lost becuase everyone sucks but me), i sent the person who shot me a voice message and told them i was gonna hack their account and then come to their place and kill them. haven’t heard back yet… prolly cuz they’re so scared of me.
(i’m the most gansta thing in my whole suburb)

7:15 p.m. mom made meatloaf, but i told her she better make me chicken nuggets or else i was gonna tell the school that Roy touched me in “the swimsuit area.”
the nuggets were shaped like dinosaurs…

8:01 p.m. went to my room to do homework.

8:05 p.m. As I watch the sun crumble into twilight through my bedroom window, I feel a great many thoughts astir in my breast. It’s in these fragile, secluded moments that a mirror is held up to my person, and I see myself for what I truly am. Alas, the ghastly countenance reflected therein is none too flattering.
I hone no practical skills through my virtual endeavors — I’m afraid my prowess at Call of Duty 4 and Halo 3 is not equivalent to learning a craft. I contribute nothing to the world around me and the collective human consciousness will not mourn my passing.

8:07 p.m. got on a message board and called a bunch of Wii fanboys retards