5 Worst Types of Gamers

While “Top 5” lists are always good for an informative opinion about something or other, today is a day that we look at a “Bottom Five” list, compiling the five worst types of gamers. Assembled here are the crème de le crème of suckitude: five subspecies you should immediately run in fear of and, most importantly, why. Although those featured in today’s “Bottom Five” realistically have little chance of changing who they are, that doesn’t mean I can’t make fun of them. Because making fun of other people is one of the few pleasures left in my own sad, pathetic life. So prepare that flame shield and don’t feed that troll, because tonight, I dine, IN HELL. Gamer hell, that is.

5. Starting us off is the Guitar Hero/Rock Band/Game That Makes You Look Like a Tool While Playing It Gamers. Not simply because they carry the heavy stereotype of being newbies that know nothing of games and therefore need to be lobotomized, but because an infuriating amount of “gamers” actually live up to this stereotype. Now, let’s make a difference between casual fans that play Guitar Hero and Rock Band and ignorant super-newbs that live only for Guitar Hero and/or Rock Band. Casual fans who enjoy a good rhythm game deserve to take their seat in gaming’s Parthenon; it may take them a year or so of constantly yelling at them to broaden their horizons, but eventually they’ll make that crossover into general gamedom and become another loyal foot soldier in the ever-swelling army of gaming. Those who know and wish to know of nothing other than Rock Band or Guitar Hero? Pity the poor souls in your heart, but banish them to their place of suckitude in your mind. And slap them with your hand, just for the hell of it.

4. Number four is the Bargain Bin Gamer, whose plight I know all too well. Bargain bin games fail all the way to the bank, but most of the time they still fail. Aside from being woefully behind the times in terms of system, specs, and games, they also must take the added pain of scanning a game aisle precisely for the lesser-priced, which usually forces them to sift through all the epicness that remains out of their price range. ‘Tis true that he who laughs last laughs best, but bargain bin gamers have it especially rough until it’s their time to laugh. Even though it’ll save you green and give you a sense of satisfaction, that doesn’t make the path of the bargain bin gamer any easier.

3. Coming in at #3 is the Girl Gamer, for a variety of reasons. Number one, many people will tell you that they simply do not exist. “No pics, no proof” has become the rally-cry of many a jaded (and incredibly horny) gamer guy as he attempts to charm someone that may or may not actually be of the opposite gender. And even then there’s Photoshop and the ever-popular “Googling some random hot chick whenever someone isn’t believing that you’re a girl.” And even if gamer girls aren’t a myth, they still have to contend with the fact that they’re girls, meaning that most gamer guys will either immediately try to get into their pants or consider them less than us “manly men”: lonely females incapable of besting the almighty gonads. It’s a hard knock life…for them.

2. Coming in at number two is the G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-GAMER, better known as the ****ing bling-bling gamer, hoes.” Decked out in their best pair of jeans and lopsided hat, these are the kinds of guys you purposely lose to simply out of fear of them stabbing you if you beat their inexperienced ass. Even if you’re matched up against someone who pretends to be “Thug Life” but in actuality wouldn’t scare a small kitten, you still tend to lose to them just to spare yourself from their idiotic post-beatdown trash-talk about how you cheated, how gaming is stupid, and how he’s better at fighting than gaming (which is usually immediately followed by a challenge to an impromptu bout of fisticuffs, despite the aforementioned inability to scare even a small kitten). When online, the added bonus of no longer having to fear immediate penetration (from a shank, you perverts) is wiped away in a tidal wave of horrible spelling and, if your ghetto gamer just happens to know how to work a microphone, atrocious rap music played at deafening sounds with lyrics that usually boils down to partying in clubs, having sex with strippers, or shooting someone in the face. Usually it’s all three.

1. And our “top of the bottom,” the absolute worst specification of gamer to find yourself in, is the Youth Gamer. Whether it be from more mature gamers that immediately consider them a lower life form or raging soccer-moms and politicians that think they’re nothing but little bastions of light and goodness, youth gamers have it rough. Think about it- how many times have you seen a video game review end with “this is an average game at best, but children should like it” or something along those lines? What they’re really saying is “this isn’t up to snuff for us REAL gamers, but those little kid gamers with their short attention spans and their easily-impressed, underdeveloped little brains will definitely love it.” It’s even worse on the soccer-mom/politician side, where youth gamers are immediately singled out as needing immediate, unwavering protection from all the evils and violence of…well, violence. And therein lies the rub- youth gamers are truly damned if they do and damned if they don’t. If they can’t play a popular video game as well as everybody else, they’re immediately ostracized as being too much of a “kid” to “get it.” And if they can, chances are that they’re playing it in a cold dark room in the middle of the night so their parents won’t catch them, get mad at them, and then write angry letters to their congressman.

So take care, fellow gamers, and rejoice if you don’t find yourself in any of these subcategories. While some have it better off than others, these “Bottom 5” have it hard enough already to immediately draw your sympathy and, if you’re in the mood to be especially ostracizing, your scorn. To those that find themselves in these bottom levels of suckitude: I wish you luck, and hope you keep on keeping on with that struggle for acceptance. One day you’ll get that cherished acceptance…except for girl gamers that play MMOs, because we’ll likely always think that you’re a guy in disguise.