5 Footwear Deals You Can’t Afford To Miss!

A lot of us dream of spending a day in the shoes of our favorite video game character. Here at GotGame, we’re constantly thinking of you, the consumer! That’s why we’re proud to present Gamer ShoezTM (patent and actual invention pending), giving you all the powers of popular gaming icons!

However, as much as we’d like to believe it, our products aren’t quite perfect. We’ve taken the liberty of meticulously listing the flaws in each item, because we’re so direly concerned with your safety.

(Lousy “truth in advertising” laws… I’ll show you fraudulent promotion!)

Boo Shoes

Crafted in the likeness of Super Mario World antagonist Boo, these spectral sneakers render the wearer translucent and allow them to pass through solid objects.

Pros

Never get locked out of your apartment again!

Since you appear to be deceased, anything artistic you produce immediately skyrockets in value!

They, um… rhyme?

Cons

May cause you to panic, freeze in place, and cover your eyes every time you see an Italian guy, which could be construed as a teensy bit racist.

Perpetually passing through matter makes it impossible to use any form of public transit.

Ghosts lack the capacity to love (scientific fact.)

Air Wrights

Feel the litigious might of attorney Phoenix Wright! These bad boys bequeath a permanent 3-piece suit, substantial legal knowledge, and ridiculous hair.

Pros

Grant the confidence to shout “Objection!” at any time — perfect for weddings, graduations, and blind dates!

No more agonizing over what to wear!

Gain a newfound propensity for pointing at things intensely!

Cons

Your friends won’t invite you over to watch Law and Order anymore because they don’t give a crap that the show’s not entirely accurate.

Shouting your new catch phrase in lieu of saying “no” is only funny about three times.

Nobody will ever see the shoes because you’re always behind a podium.

Wesker Cleats

Ever wanted to be an unstoppable mercenary with ambiguous goals? Now you can, thanks to Wesker Cleats!

Pros

Run up walls for some reason never adequately explained!

Wear your sunglasses at night — because you can!

Gain immunity against zombies, death, and plot holes bigger than sewer pipes!

Cons

May slowly deplete your fashion sense until you think a trench coat is a good idea.

Menacing British accent impedes heart-to-heart conversations.

God complex kind of turns you into a dick.

Katamari Loafers

When you’re sporting these puppies, you’ll literally have the world at your feet! Powerful magnets suck up all nearby objects, rolling them into one massive ball of fun!

Pros

Constantly make new friends!

One trip to the grocery store sets you for the rest of the year!

Replace bunny slippers with actual bunnies!

Cons

New friends tend to suffocate under throngs of newer friends.

Trying to kick open doors like a badass leads to dubious results.

Your morning jog raises the Terror Alert Level to red.

F.E.A.R.boks

In this crazy, thrill-a-minute modern world of ours, we’d all like a few extra minutes to sort our lives out. With this next product, you can slow down time on a whim! (Side effects may include the inability to speak, the death of everyone close to you, and seeing freakin’ ghosts.)

Pros

Stare at attractive people without them noticing!

Mess with drivers by running out in front of them, screaming “Noooooo!” and then rushing to safety!

Duck out of awkward conversations by dashing away when the other person blinks!

Cons

Shoes may erase your memory every 10 minutes so you remain a tortured hero with a mysterious past.

Power makes listening to old people reminisce about “the good old days” last even longer.

The fact you spend most of your time hanging out with an 8-year-old girl will probably make the neighbors nervous.

Hurry and call now to get one of these fine products delivered right to your doorstep!

(All sales final. Offer not valid in Pacific Time Zone, Connecticut, and wherever you live right now.)