10 Life Lessons From Survival Horror

Admittedly, video games aren’t the most constructive hobby. The list of practical skills honed by any game is pretty short, especially games in my genre of choice: Survival Horror. (Granted, when the zombie apocalypse comes, or when your dead wife sends you a letter beckoning you to a town willed into existence by years of repressed guilt and sexual frustration, you’ll know who to call.)

But that’s not to say Survival Horror has no redeeming qualities. I’ve learned so much from these games, and now I’m passing the wisdom on to you…

1. Stick Your Hand Where It Doesn’t Belong

A foreboding hole in the wall making strange noises? A roasted dog sprawled on a buffet table? If the Silent Hill series has taught me anything, it’s that fumbling around in places I shouldn’t has no negative consequences.

For starters, it usually gets me a key.

Reckless, you say? Maybe so. But when you drop your engagement ring down the kitchen sink in hilarious sitcom fashion, who’s gonna have the guts to retrieve it?

Besides, like… a plumber. Or someone with a fishing hook and dental floss.

2. Avoid “High Culture” At All Costs

Think about it. Locales in the Resident Evil series include an elaborate mansion, a luxury ocean liner (two, if you count the boat in Resident Evil Gaiden) and a castle lorded over by a nobleman. Zombies, despite their lousy posture and poor diction, love the finer things in life.

Even the opera isn’t safe, as evidenced by Parasite Eve.

So, attend that next performance of Don Giovanni at your own risk. Side effects may include: an undeserved sense of snooty superiority, slipping phrases like “old money” and ”business venture” into everyday conversation, and third degree burns.

3. It’s Not Backtracking… It’s EXERCISE!

We’ve all fought through a horde of demons/zombies/generic horror antagonists only to find a key and realize the door it unlocks is half a mile back the way we came.

In a word, backtracking in video games sucks. Much like the curriculum of a calculus class, it’s tedious and soul-crushing because you don’t know what practical purpose it serves. That’s what I’m here for. Humor me for a minute.

Before you go to bed tonight, put a cereal bowl in your closet and chuck a spoon out your window. When you’re in the kitchen the next morning, mutter to yourself, “I could eat some CEREAL if I had something to put it in…” and then go grab the bowl. After that, sigh and say, “I could put this CEREAL in this BOWL, but I need a way to eat it…” Then go outside and find your spoon.

You just burned about 20 calories. Thank me later.

4. Hoard Everything
Anybody remember the story of the grasshopper and the ant? It goes something like “the ant worked all summer storing food, but the grasshopper didn’t. Come winter, his dumb ass starved to death.” 

Most Survival Horror games are like this, only the grasshopper gets torn limb-from-limb by a swarm of ravenous undead because he ran out of ammo. Aesop’s fables need more zombies.

5. Don’t Hold A Conversation Through a Plate of Glass
Pretty simple concept, really. If you and a friend are talking, but you’re in two different rooms separated by a (strangely bulletproof) plate of glass, one of you has about 60 seconds to live.

And if you do any of the following — gloat, offer to do something that could save the day, or scream “OH GOD! You have to help me!” — expect that time frame to be halved.

6. Nothing Good Can Come From A Career In Science
Trying to better the world through science is a lot like writing a suicide note, only you have to go to grad school first (and you get to wear a lab coat!)

The poor saps in Dino Crisis were searching for a renewable source of clean energy. You know what they ended up finding?

Raptors.

I think my point speaks for itself…

7. Invade People’s Privacy

Find somebody’s diary? Stumble across the correspondence letters of two star-crossed lovers? How about memos addressed to employees at a company you don’t even work for? Emily Post be damned, you read that stuff like you need it to live!

Who knows what secrets those precious documents hold? I mean, every time I write my girlfriend a letter, I include the pass code to the locked metal door in my basement — which is so much more romantic than that “Love, Adam” crap.

And yesterday, I found a bar napkin with a hastily scribbled phone number in one corner, so I snatched it right up. Chances are, those digits are actually the combination to a safe with a crossbow in it!

8. Nature Wants You Dead
Every single time you cross paths with him in a game, “man’s best friend” never lives up to the name. Maybe it’s the flesh-eating virus he’s infected with. Maybe he’s just pissed you’re out of Beggin’ Strips. Either way, that doggie and all his kin are out for blood.

And it’s not just dogs, either. Crows, spiders, elephants… every creature on the planet has your number in Resident Evil. And Parasite Eve fleshes out that list with cats, crabs, and polar bears.

Heck, dinosaurs have been dead for millions of years, but when they show up in a game, they don’t like you either.

9. Carrying Ammo In Your Pockets Is Socially Acceptable
It doesn’t really matter whose corpse you search in a survival horror game: they all have more weaponry than a religious cult on recruiting day. From joggers to tourists to people who actually have reason to carry firearms, everybody has at least a box of handgun bullets on them.

You could rifle through the purse of a sweet, (now deceased) elderly woman and probably find something that makes something else dead. And if not, check the bodies of her grandkids.

I know at least one of those little punks is holding some grenade rounds.

10. Not Even Armageddon Can Stop The Free Market
It’s doesn’t matter if everything goes to Hell in the scenic hill of Spain or the cold, silent vacuum of space — someone will find a way to make a buck off it.

In Resident Evil 4, there’s the wandering clan of merchants wondering “what’re you sellin’?” And despite the fact everybody on the USG Ishimura is dead (or worse), Dead Space’s store is always open for business.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not indicting these bold capitalists for their unorthodox business models.

I’m just wondering if they’re hiring…

Final Thoughts

That’s all I got for you, folks. Just keep those 10 helpful tips in mind, and you can expect to lead richer, fuller lives.

Alright, so that was a lie. But, hey… if your hometown is ever set upon by any manner of hellspawn, reading this will have put you one step ahead of the game. At the very least, it’ll give you something to laugh about when a beastie straight out an H. R. Giger painting is gnawing on your leg.

It’s all about staying positive…